Journey of Mine..

My One...

2006-12-25T13:26:00.001+03:00

It's been forever i guess.. more than six years.. probably seven years.. i am still thinking of him.. even tho I know.. he would never felt the same again.. because he already found his 'one'. Lucky for him.. I'm happy for him..

I wish I could find my one... if only that person is here with me.. i dont need anybody else other than him and my god.. I never imagine myself being with two different persons.. As if there is only one for me and that's it.. till the rest of my life.. but the bad thing is.. so far.. that one person is still the same person that I've fallen with six/seven years a go.. And I know that I would never have the chance with him.. Because I blew it.. my pride.. my ego.. These things blew it.. It was for the good.. because i knew.. he wont feel the same again about it.. so it was better sooner than later..

But it always hit me.. no matter how deep someone cares about someone else.. like very very very deep.. it wouldnt even matter if that person never feel the same way about you.. not even a little bit.. bcoz loving someone that much doesnt really make that person to love you back..
I dont know what I'll do now.. I might end up not being with anybody.. single forever.. God.. how sux is that.. please dont let it happen.. I want my one...

Talking to myself..

2006-12-16T13:54:00.000+03:00

Well,.. my lovelife so far is sux! been working 10 to 12 hours a day.. sleep 7 hours a day and it leaves me with 5 hours to do something else in a day.. I have no life..

Actually.. it's my choice.. I could reduce my sleeping time to 2 hours, and spend it to travel back and forth to the city and have fun.. hanging with the girls.. hunting for the boys.. yea i could do that.. but I am not.. feels like a waste of time..

I am sitting here trying to think what's right and what's wrong.. try to do what's right and avoid the wrong.. but nothing good has happened to me.. I thought.. what the hell.. i could screw things up by doing the wrong thing.. at least i could have fun.. but I am not doing it.. not even trying.. and feels like I'm hiding now.. I dont know from what..

Anyway.. Finally.. me and Ky broke up.. officially.. my last post just from my side.. after almost two months he started contacting me.. This asshole has no shame.. and he didnt have.. acted like an innocent child asking me what's wrong with me.. What did he do wrong.. BASTARD!.. I told him I cant do it anymore.. he's been treating me wrong.. and he said.. Well.. i have plans for you when come back.. and it doesnt matter now.. we have something special.. I CANT BELIEVE THIS JERK!!.. didnt want to be rude or anything .. I just told him.. I CANT.. and that's all.. he said thank you.. and blablablabla in reply.. (still giving me that bullshit...) and I didnt reply..

Well.. it's for my own good.. and probably his own good.. No matter how unlucky I am in this matter.. I still want to believe that my soulmate is there.. somewhere..

stuck in reverse...

2006-09-18T22:50:00.000+04:00

" When you try your best but you don't succeed..
When you get what you want but not what you need..
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep...
Stuck in reverse.... "
-Coldplay - Fix you..

Exactly how I feel lately.. stuck in reverse.. I dont understand Ky at all.. want to end it.. but yet I havent tried.. or more exact if I say never had the chance.. I wanted to be angry at him and end it.. but whenever I'm angry.. he disappear.. he said he would never talk to me when i'm angry.. then what can i do? leave it as it is.. ?!? ..

Actually I'm the type of person who cant never leave things behind.. coz it's always going around in my head.. i guess this time I can't do anything .. but being stucked.. :(

Two Faces? At least I think so..

2006-09-13T20:20:00.000+04:00

Got messages from him, I dont know what the heck is wrong with him.. he's kinda pretending like nothing is going on.. asking how am i doing and all... what an ass.. heheuehuehue.. i am so pissed off with this kind of people.. how dare he is asking these stupid questions when we actually have issues.. i'm not gonna sit there and pretend like nothing happen.. so I changed the topic to actually discuss our issue.. and suddenly he started to get pissed and angry at me.. what the fu**K!! hey dude, i'm not being a bitch or anything.. i asked you nicely and you gave me this shitty answer.. go to hell dude.. actually i dont really give a damn right now.. whatever it'll be.. i'll let it be.. not going to fight it... coz i'm just going to take it easy and enjoy my time.. :)

It's not a surprised when he gave me another silent treatment.. hehehe.. he's acting like a child.. he's way older than me but still act like this.. guess i'm wrong about him.. anyway.. just want to pour my thoughts out.. we'll see what will happen later ;)

I'm affraid, i'm right..

2006-09-11T22:32:00.000+04:00

Soon after we have this silent treatment.. i think he might have been close with someone else.. hard and yet it's hurting.. i was right all along.. karma? i guess so... life is hard.. it's bitter.. i'm just unlucky in relationship...

eNd oF tHe RoAD ?

2006-09-05T01:27:00.000+04:00

I guess this is the end, I can see it's ending.. I know what's wrong, it's the distance.. eventho me and ky have been going for two months.. I can't see any other reasons why we should go on.. It's just not working.. He hasn't sending me any messages.. usually he tells me what's going on with him that day.. I guess it triggered when he went clubbing with his friends.. and he drank.. come on.. I know it's not serious for me.. i picked up a fight... I guess i was just angry that day..

I am so pissed with the whole situation.. I don't need a boyfriend who are so far away from me.. it took 7 hours flight to get to him.. and i dont have any plan to travel for another year.. so what's the point right? I guess I wanted to tell him that it's not working and let's end this.. but this ego of mine won't let me, I mean.. he's the one who told me and ask me if I'm sure i want to try this long distance thing and i assured him that I'm willing to try even if i'm not a believer........ bullshit?! hell yeah.. ck

I dont know.. i guess i'm getting older now... i should start to settle down.. but i'm just scared.. my parents want me to go thru this traditional thing.. settle down... get married.. have kids and live happily ever after.. but for now, i dont want to get married just for the shake of having a normal life... i want to get married with someone i love.. the person that i couldnt live without.. i've always dreamt of that.. meeting my soulmate.. my knight.. my cavalier.. to share sorrow and joy... but as time goes by.. do these thing actually exist... they do in books, stories, movies.. and maybe in other people's life.. but unfortunately not mine...

Anyway, it all comes down to what's gonna happen to me next... i'll say 90% we'll break up and he'll get married soon.. and as for me.. i dont know.. maybe i'll never meet my soulmate.. maybe i'll end up alone for the rest of my life.. mm.. maybe i should prepare for the worst scene scenario, and start working hard and save lots of money... hahahaha..

Song of my heart today is H.A.T.E.

2006-08-14T17:06:00.000+04:00

ARGH!!!!!!! i feel so pissed today.. none of the people around me can stop me, and just ask me if i'm okay.. if i'm alright.. i feel so stressed lately.. there's a lot going on.. and I can't plan everything.. i just cant.. and I hate that.. I hate that I can't plan everything.. and all the things that I've planned, ofcourse.. won't go according to the plan.. there's always something around the corner waiting just to screw things up.. and i HATE that!!

I have problems with my expectation.. I've realised this before.. I expect a lot from the people I care about.. not only my best friends or the one that I have relationship with.. I mean, I'd do anything to support them.. but how come they don't even bother to try..

WHY!!!!! ARghh..... I hate this..

State of Mind

2006-08-12T01:10:00.000+04:00

I've had my heart broken.. It wasn't easy for me.. I've been looking at the past for too long.. more than two years.. yup.. it's crazy.. and at last... I was able to see and face the reality.. that's it... it's done few years a go.. and it killed me.. I was being a zombie for a few days.. living but numb.. But then I recovered.. I was enjoying my time alone.. less hard-thinking activity.. just letting it flow.. It was great.. It was my time to heal..

Then I met him, let's call him - ky -, he's so different compared to him.. by being with Ky, i can look forward instead of the past.. he shows this other window for me to see life.. with him, i feel more save.. but the problem is... the relationship that we're in is exactly the opposite of my principles.. it's a long distance relationship..
First of all, I dont believe relationships with different religion, no blessing from the parents, and long distance relationship... but what surprised me was.. I agreed to have a long distance relationship with ky, even tho it's a LD relationship.. If you asked me, I don't know why.. I'm still a believer that LD relationship won't work out.. Maybe I want to prove myself, but I'm not sure whether I want to prove myself that I'm wrong or I'm right...

If I think about it too much.. It will freak me out..

Psyche??...

2006-08-12T00:33:00.000+04:00

Psyche in Greek means Soul. So, Psyche is the personification of the human soul. In the well-known fable Psyche is the youngest of three daughters of a King. She was of such extraordinary beauty that Aphrodite herself became jealous of her. The goddess then sent her son Eros to make Psyche fall in love with an ugly man. However, the god himself fell in love with the girl and visited her every night, but forbade her to see his face, so she did not know who her lover was. On her sisters' instigation she tried to discover the true identity of her beloved. When he lay asleep in her bed, she lit an oil lamp but when she bent over to see Eros' face, a drop of oil from her lamp fell on him and he awakened. When he noticed her intent, he left her. Psyche wandered the earth in search of her lover, until she was finally reunited with him.